It’s nearly 11pm here and I am cuddled under a blanket in a tiny uncomfortable twin bed in the guest room of my moms new house. Today was stressful but not terrible. It was really hard having D so far away. Some of me worries we are too attached so far, but the rest of me is like “who cares?” – what’s so wrong with loving someone and wanting to see them. I know I’m fine without him, I’m a big girl. I’d just like him here. I miss cuddles and seeing his happy surprised face. I miss seeing all his facial expressions – including his serious face which never lasts long!
I also would have loved to be with him – either there or here – for all the family tradition stuff! This year it was only my mom & her new husband, me, and my aunt Michelle. My brother and (soon-to-be) sister-in-law decided to stay at their house this year as they just moved in a few months ago. It was really weird to not have them here this morning. I didn’t like it and I struggled a lot. Christmas is already hard for me, as it’s one of the last times I saw my dad alive, twelve years ago actually. With my mom married and having changed her name, I feel even further away from my family. Also, I think it’s because I moved away, but my mom always gets me less than my brother and anyone else for Christmas. It sounds really selfish (because it is!) and I feel guilty every year, but watching other people (especially someone else’s kids – her husbands) open all cool gifts and most of mine are knick knacks that will just take up space, kind of sucks. I open all my gifts and she said “I have one more but it’s for your birthday.” It was exactly what I asked for – a Soda Stream – but I hate that I can’t manage to get nice things for both my birthday and Christmas. I suppose it’s partly my fault too. I stopped giving her a list because she always bitches that everything is too expensive but I’m not 12 anymore. I don’t need/want dollar store toys. So she asks what I want and I say nothing because even the little things seem extravagant and luxurious to her.
Oh well, I know a lot of people don’t get anything at all – I’m just tired of having to sit and watch everyone else. It makes me sad. I’d rather get a lot less and have it be nicer or practical compared to felt wine glass rings (do people use them?) and (Halloween!) cardboard coasters…
Then we got into a fight because she made comments about things she’s going to give to my brother & SIL – like her china that she already gave them. From her wedding. To my dad. Who I am still quite attached to, compared to them. While my brother is probably never going to get married!! It hurt a lot. She gave them her couch when she moved (brand new!). I pointed out that she has other kids, including an actual daughter, not just a DIL. I’m very sentimental. Owning things that my parents it grandparents owned is very important to me. It just always has been.
Anyway!
I spent Sunday – Tuesday with my grandparents (who were actually my moms foster parents so are the only family I’ve ever known on her side) and aunts which was great fun. They’re nice to be around. My one aunt just found out she’s pregnant. With twins! Fraternal boys! I am so excited for them, even though dad is freaking out. They already have a little girl who will be 2 a few weeks either before, or after, the twins are born. Good timing, eh?
Tomorrow we will see more family and then come back to my moms. She will drive me back home to the city on Friday. We may stop to see my SIL but I’m not sure. I cannot wait to be home! I am going to clean my room, clean all the things! Saturday I’m having a little pre-birthday and that will be fun. Again, I wish D was here but i think part of not being attached is to do things I normally would. Not to act like he doesn’t exist, or not consider him, but to still do things even if he can’t be here. I miss feeling his body near mine – touch is so important to my psyche. We can talk essentially whenever we want, but it’s not always clear and we can’t touch. But soon! One week!!
I will leave you with this…the new panties I bought yesterday (errrr one of 5 pair!) that I will apparently get spanked for buying. I figured I might as well wear them ;)
Merry Christmas y’all!
